TLDR: Be The True Self
1.
What a humid summer afternoon it was before the COVID-19 pandemic in 2019! I was on my way back home after having several rounds of extra hard black coffees, fried fast foods and enough cigarettes like the other days.
An unexplained and unknown discomfort was gradually diffusing in my body that had endured tobacco since 1999 and marijuana since 2006.
I went to a dispensary where the attending medic checked my blood pressure. It was 140/90, although not enough high for a lot of people, and he told me to take a full rest.
–Welcome to the Club 30s kiddo!!!
The first half of the night I passed in such a terror that could be compared with dreaming a badly crafted Lovecraftian horror meets corpses from Poe, the forecast of severe diarrhoea.
My wife was a 5-month expectant mother score of miles away that time. I prayed to Allah for 20 more healthy years for the sake of my family and the poor unborn.
I had seen Freedom Fighter Mr Sayeed Alee Ahmed Master who suffered for years and died from multiple strokes.
I was trying to calm my throbbing heart beside the window of my mother’s bed with a feeling that any of her arteries were going to have a rupture.
At midnight, heavenly splashes of torrential rain calmed her finally.
2.
The next morning I UNSUBSCRIBED my local gym, quit smoking, installed a pedometer app on my android device and most importantly held the reins of ALL my cravings that included an ‘uncompromising desire’ of becoming a Renaissance Man AT ANY COST.
Although I had to perform some REALLY tough hacks to eliminate smoking dependency and convey my cordial thanks to Mr AJMA for his help and guidelines.
On a cold winter morning, back in the good old 1999, a sixth-grader decided to become a smoker as a revolt against his surroundings who, some 20 years later, quit the habit that one of his prominent ‘ex’s could not make him do.
Yes, now I can laugh at those days. The days I carved to love and being loved by a girl... an other girl... another girl... and my daydreams of becoming a ‘Vinci-de-Gilmour-de-Stallman-de-Tarkovsky-de…’
-That was time! Secretion of hormones!! Lack of foresight!!! I only met their demands as a child. I could not see the drawbacks, the unseen monotonous efforts, as well as social engineering, behind meeting a lofty aim of becoming someone famous. I was passing days daydreaming without giving real efforts. What a waste of time!!! Our lives circle around the primitive ancestors.
I must admit that I have lived someone else’s life in the guise of a self-proclaimed rebellion.
But after some ‘self-analysis’ I found that I had missed the most basic and important part of the story– being the True Self. A poor life shaped by shiny social media and Google algorithms.
Those mistakes, however, enriched my knowledge, experiences and skillsets that can be utilised as tools for building something good from scratch– Becoming the True Self.
To me, the word self-analysis represents ‘anal’ a noun and ‘ysis’ a verb. Thus the term self-analysis is an expedition through my anus, without a mirror and light, to the top of my brain to light a hidden lamp to illuminate the whole body and soul.
The process is a rigorous periodic job to be done with extreme patience and honesty to the self.
3.
A male Homo Sapience is a born polygamous unstable creature.
It is mostly driven by an unbalanced combination of ego, sexual urge and emotion.
He can be well explained by the people around him, the paraphernalia he owns and the withdrawal effects of his carving(s).
A few of them can see the bigger picture and find out bugs in the Matrix. They can take risks, perform all kinds of gimmicks and lead a reckless life all in vain.
At one stage, after performing all of these actions, he will not be able to go further and fall into an infinite loop of complacency and accomplishing the same old easy tasks.
He is only the one side of the whole story.
All he needs an ‘Atlantic Heart’ full of love, an enlightened soul full of wisdom, a critic, a lover, a guide to hold the reins of a wandering limbo and show the path to Nirvana.
And a woman is someone next to god who can give life to a long lost dead soul.
4.
In my 30s I have NOTHING new to say. I have NO New Year resolutions, NO high hopes, NO ambition.
I have promised myself of coming back to life, becoming the Me, a Lover, a Father and a Son.
Faquir Foysol
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